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Subject: My Husband Pays For Sex

Dear Shirley and Steve,

I am 45 and my husband is 46. We have been married for almost 18 years and have 4 children (teenage boys 15 and 13 and twin girls age 6). Sex between us was really good and often. My husband wanted sex ANY time he saw me. I thought it was borderline neurotic, but my ego (and he) made me believe that it was all about me! For a few years it was everyday, but eventually I got bored with it and kids came along and life required that I do other things. This became a point of contention for us. I tried to accommodate him as best as I could but eventually he started cheating on me and for the most part, I forgave him. We remained together and then had our twins, but from that point forward, sex was something I did because I had to or when I felt the urge to, but never when he wanted it and mostly with an attitude. Recently, I found out that he was having sexually explicit conversations with women on Facebook and exchanging naked pictures of himself. Even some people who were “friends” with me. I never expected that part, but here we are. In the past few months he has been having a lot of difficulty paying his portion of the bills but when I asked him about it he couldn’t explain where his money was going. Then one weekend after he missed the payment for our kids karate and dance classes we had a big argument and he blurted out that he had been paying for sex. I was floored. He blamed me for not satisfying him like a wife is supposed to and stormed out of the house. Under normal circumstances, this would be it. But here is where I am confused. In the past few years I have become spiritual and a practicing Christian. I know I took vows to be with this man, but that was before God and church and Christianity was really a part of my life. I love church and I love God in a way that I never did before and I want to do what is “expected” of me, but I can’t believe that God wants me to stay with this man who has done this to our relationship with my help, I guess. Anyway, I know I have to forgive him, but I don’t think I can ever sleep with this man again. Do I have to stay and try to work this out? I’m at my wit’s end. He barely even acknowledged what he has done and still tries to sleep with me every night! I’m hurt and insulted but I want to do what is right in a faithful way. Please help.

Listen to Steve and Shirley respond to this letter below:

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